To myself four years ago:
I know that right now you are sitting in an evening self-study classroom, preparing for the gaokao with endless fantasies about the future. Although your recent mock-exam scores have not been ideal, you are still immersed in the glory of having once ranked among the top 500 in the province in the Jiangnan Ten Schools exam, holding on to a baseless confidence.
You probably cannot imagine that, a little more than a month later, on June 22, your terrible final score will make you doubt your life. I admit that it took us a long time to let this go. That is why, around this time last year, in a letter to my self ten years from now, I swore that I would get into Renmin University for graduate school. Now the graduate entrance exam is over, and I did not get into Renmin.
It is indeed regrettable. The debt from four years ago remains unpaid, and the hope of paying it back in the future is slim. But I have never regretted the big talk I once gave others, because I firmly believe that boasting can make me improve. As the saying widely circulated in English goes: fake it till you make it. Since long ago, we developed the habit of “pretending”: before we can truly do something, we pretend we can. This is not to prove to others how impressive we are, but to let others push us to become impressive. After all, it is embarrassing when a boast falls apart.
You are about to enter a non-elite university that you long looked down on. You will indeed find many disappointing things about it. But none of that can deny the meaning of these four years. Like everyone else, you will make many attempts, some meaningful and some not; make a group of friends, some close and some distant; and develop many thoughts, some left and some right. Some of these attempts, friends, and thoughts will be valuable. Others will be pure wastes of time.
But evolution has made us dependent on our environment. Whether we subjectively like it or not, the things we encounter and the environments we inhabit will leave irreversible effects on us. That is why I, now fully aware of this, can calmly reflect on the past during the brief quiet before graduation. We have made many foolish decisions, and we will certainly make more foolish decisions in the future. But that is the trial-and-error process of life, and we should learn to let it go.
You may feel that the future is completely uncertain. I feel the same. But I remind myself constantly that this uncertainty is the same uncertainty faced by pioneers across time and place. It is the uncertainty of the Mayflower on the Atlantic, and of gold prospectors crossing the Pacific toward San Francisco. In the next few years, I will spend my life in Shanghai. East China University of Political Science and Law should give me a platform large enough to try. Whether I will eventually live in a way I am satisfied with is not something I can answer now.
This may sound repetitive, but I still want to restate the ideology we have held since our worldview first formed at seventeen: always stand on the side of the egg. As time passes, more and more people look at the world through the eyes of the strong. They would rather abandon the axial spirit our ancestors spent thousands of years seeking and retreat to an animal law of the jungle, sympathizing with the powerful. They are obsessed with imperial tactics, geopolitical games, national causes, and calls for military unification. Perhaps they have never imagined that one day they too may become prey for the strong.
But we know clearly that the high wall is covered with fine words and lies. That is not what we want.
This was originally a boring final assignment for a psychology class. After finishing the handwritten version, I still decided to type it up and keep it. Although it is an assignment, every sentence I wrote is sincere. My future self may betray the ideals I once shared with you, or may turn around and laugh at your foolishness and recklessness. Whatever happens, please just smile it off.
I forgive all the wrong things you have done. In return, I beg you not to forgive all the wrong things I may do in the future.
Sincerely,
Respectfully